


to you i belong

by SafelyCapricious



Series: ain't no grave can hold my body down [17]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Pining, Post-Canon, Reincarnation, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:34:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27072805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SafelyCapricious/pseuds/SafelyCapricious
Summary: “You’re named after a great hero,” his mother tells him when he asks about his name, “he saved the entire world before I was even born. Your great grandfather met him once -- met all of Vox Machina when he was just a child.”He’s not sure how he feels, knowing he’s named after someone else. He thinks he’d rather have a name that was all his own. But Vax'ildan feels like his name is all his own, and though Vox Machina are legends, the names of each member aren’t exactly household names, so maybe it can just be his.
Series: ain't no grave can hold my body down [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950148
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	to you i belong

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the lyrics/title of To You I Belong by B*Witched b/c that's who I'm listening to baby
> 
> Going to give this one to prompt Raven (which is a word technically not said but definitely referenced so it counts). 
> 
> I kept meaning to give this actual plot but then it didn't really happen. I might do more with this, if there's interest. We'll see.
> 
> It's day 17 of fictober, which means I am officially 54.83871% of the way through this nonsense. Why the hell did I volunteer myself to do this again?!??!

“You’re named after a great hero,” his mother tells him when he asks about his name, “he saved the entire world before I was even born. Your great grandfather met him once -- met all of Vox Machina when he was just a child.”

He’s not sure how he feels, knowing he’s named after someone else. He thinks he’d rather have a name that was all his own. But Vax'ildan feels like his name is all his own, and though Vox Machina are legends, the names of each member aren’t exactly household names, so maybe it can just be his.

His sister is born when he’s nine, and his mother tells him she’s named Vex’ahlia.

He looks into her eyes -- brilliant blue in a wrinkly old man face and he doesn’t understand why people think babies are cute -- and doesn’t recognize her.

She’s still his, of course, and he’ll keep her safe. But she’s not Vex’ahlia.

He calls her Lia, and despite his mother’s attempts at more formality, or at least calling her _Vex,_ the name sticks.

When he’s thirteen his grandfather tells him the full true tale of Vox Machina, as he was told by his father. Tells him of individuals standing strong in the face of everything, always strong and pure and good and never afraid or doubtful or angry.

It doesn’t sound right.

It doesn’t sound like they’re real people, just flat characters in a book, and he knows they were real people.

They must have been afraid. And mean. And angry. And rude. And happy and sad and in love and wrong and right and --

Even heroes make mistakes, after all. How else could it be that Vax’ildan died so much earlier than the rest of the group? Surely he wouldn’t have left them on purpose, not if he could help it. He wouldn’t have left his sister or Kiki if he really had a choice but --

(And he loved Kiki, Vax is sure of it and he knows that Kiki is Keyleth but no one else uses that name and he’s not sure where he heard it or…it’s not worth thinking about.)

Vex’ahlia -- the real one, not his sister -- lived in Whitestone until she died, his grandfather tells him. And when he turns seventeen they take him there as his birthday present, maybe because the stories of Vox Machina are all he wants to hear, even when he’s too old for stories.

Whitehall isn’t what he’s expecting. In his mind when he’s imagined it -- and he has a lot more often than he thinks is probably normal. He’s imagined a lot of the places that Vox Machina has visited with startling detail -- it’s always been slightly in need of repair. Either desolate and bleak or coming back to life, but never fully fulfilling its potential.

It fulfills its potential now.

It’s beautiful and he finds himself smiling the entire time, just happy to go on the tour with his grandfather and then sit and watch and observe after.

It’s the last day there and they’re just leaving the Slayers Cake with some treats all ready to take home to his mom and Lia when there’s a commotion at the town square. His grandfather says something but he can’t hear it over the rushing in his ears, and at first he can’t see, and there’s a crowd of people standing a little away from the tree but one man had gone through and was embracing and —

She’s lovely. And more important than that, she’s laughing.

Her joy makes his heart beat faster and he thinks he should maybe be jealous of the white haired man with the very slightly pointed ears who grins at her and for a second it’s Percy but then the light catches his face differently and —

He can see Vex in the curve of the man’s chin, and then Keyleth -- Kiki -- is scanning the crowd and throwing up her hands and flower petals are falling down to the delight of the children and -- it’s too much.

He runs.

He’s not sure where he’s going until he gets there and he sits down on the floor of the temple and covers his face and cries — he doesn’t want to see the temple but it makes him feel peace too and he wants to rage.

He’s happy and he’s sad and he cannot remember if this was his decision or Hers but seeing her like this and not being able to touch is more than he thinks he can take and he was never worthy of her anyways but now…

Now she’s the Voice of the Tempest and he’s some half-elf kid from a supportive family without even a quarter of the skills he had before, last time. He’s a stranger with her dead lover’s name and even though he can’t imagine being called anything else he wants to curse his mother for giving him the weight of his true name.

He’s the same, but he’s different.

He loves her, because he’s not him if he doesn’t, but he’s softer now. He thinks he wants to be a teacher, not a rogue. He carries a knife, just one, not a multitude, because it’s a useful tool, not because it’s an extension of his being.

He’s not sure who he is.

He’s not sure who he could be.

He’s not sure who he could be for her.

He’s not sure if he _should_ be anyone for her.

He goes home without seeing her again.

The next time he sees her he’s older. And he’s expecting it. It still hurts.

He has the skills to teach history now, and even though he thinks it is probably a bad idea he cannot stay away. And so he shows up at Zephrah, a newly hired teacher and he looks for her.

She doesn’t recognize him — and he knew she wouldn’t. He doesn’t look like how he used to and there’s no reason for her to but — but it still hurts. But this time he gets close enough to hear her voice — to see the sparkle in her eyes and the fact that she doesn’t look any older than he remembers in body but there’s a weight there in her eyes that there wasn’t before.

He wants to comfort her. He loves her. He wants to shoulder her burden and help.

He almost tells her but — but what can he say except that he loves her.

She’s been without him for longer than they were together, even as friends. And he’s young, now, in a way he never was before and if she — if she doesn’t believe him or if she doesn’t care or if — it will shatter him.

He’s not honestly sure which would be worse — the disbelief or not caring.

Not caring, he thinks, but neither he seems like something he wants to risk. So he will teach the children and watch her from afar and that, that will be enough.

It has to be.

Because this time he’s not brave enough to do more.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this please let me know! 
> 
> Uh, if you wanna chat Vaxleth I am always happy to have more people to cry with, come visit my If you wanna chat come bug me on my [writing tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/capriciouswrites) about it. 
> 
> Love love.


End file.
